N
Nicahawk
Guest
I Pocket Taser Stun Gun -- a great gift for the wife...
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this as a 'short' story for his alumni newsletter.
Another brilliant move….
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs.??
AWESOME!!!?
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
[FONT=Times New
Roman] herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work[/FONT]
as advertised. Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty
cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'??
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a one- second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it
again, stupid, do it again!'
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three-second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
[FONT=Times
New Roman] relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had [/FONT]
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this as a 'short' story for his alumni newsletter.
Another brilliant move….
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of
the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same
time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between the prongs.??
AWESOME!!!?
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
[FONT=Times New
Roman] herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work[/FONT]
as advertised. Am I wrong???
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty
cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries)
thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'??
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a one- second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it
again, stupid, do it again!'
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three-second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
[FONT=Times
New Roman] relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had [/FONT]
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.