Humor

jbrumberg

Member
Dougster:

We have some thing else in common- sailing. My Newport 17 is currently at berth in my driveway. IMHO anyone who questions their own mental status has nothing real to worry about. Either they will "fix" it themselves or have others fix it for them. The individuals I worry about are those who deny the contradictions between their beliefs and actions and the community at large. Dougster if you are happier, but poorer now in the long run you will be better off than if you maintained an unhappier and richer lifestyle (You do not have to ask me how I know tis.). Happiness is the key; besides you have a nurse GF. I believe many of the originators of AccuWeather either have retired and/or moved on to other services (Weather Channel). Most of those guys were either professors and/or graduate students at the time of AccuWeather's start up. The tenured profs probably had a good deal going for them anyways. Jay
 

jbrumberg

Member
... but ruins the damn grass!!! :biggrin:

Uhhhhhhh... was that just my diagnosis??? :confused: Or yours??? ;)

Dougster

My own self diagnosis ;) . I can probably present anyway one would want me to as described in the DSM IV: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Revised.

By the way can you count backward from 101 by 7 :eek2: ? Jay:yum:
 

Dougster

Old Member
Dougster: We have some thing else in common- sailing. My Newport 17 is currently at berth in my driveway. IMHO anyone who questions their own mental status has nothing real to worry about. Either they will "fix" it themselves or have others fix it for them. The individuals I worry about are those who deny the contradictions between their beliefs and actions and the community at large. Dougster if you are happier, but poorer now in the long run you will be better off than if you maintained an unhappier and richer lifestyle (You do not have to ask me how I know tis.). Happiness is the key; besides you have a nurse GF.
I sailed a 27-foot O'Day for 10 years before the demands of work (i.e., mucho year-round business travel) combined with a series of oddly disappointingly short and poor weather sailing seasons in RI caused me to decide that the high annual cost wasn't worth the short bursts of pleasure anymore. Besides, I had done all I wanted to do with that particular boat and it had come to a point were it was a matter of "move up or get out." With a brand new GF who was enthusiastic but not exactly an experienced sailor, the decision was easy. :cool:

Now I question my sanity all the time... so that must mean I am mentally heathy, heh??? ;) I am much happier now... I never really enjoyed my first career as much as I should have... but I am also now dirt stinkin' poor. They say that if you do what you enjoy, the money will come. I am living proof that that old saying is total bullstuff! :rolleyes:
I believe many of the originators of AccuWeather either have retired and/or moved on to other services (Weather Channel). Most of those guys were either professors and/or graduate students at the time of AccuWeather's start up. The tenured profs probably had a good deal going for them anyways. Jay
Well, I say that you would have been one damn good addition to that initial group! :thumb: But as long as you are happy in the career you chose, that's all that really matters! :)

Dougster
 

Dougster

Old Member
My own self diagnosis ;) . I can probably present anyway one would want me to as described in the DSM IV: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Revised. By the way can you count backward from 101 by 7 :eek2: ? Jay:yum:
Can I do it??? :rolleyes: Heck, I do it all the time! :thumb:

Dougster
 

xPosTech

Member
The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

'You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.


Ted
 
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irwin

Member
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"
 

irwin

Member
Not a joke so try not to laugh.



The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and

Stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt. When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the
people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker Emergency service


















----------------------
usborderpatrol.jpg
 
Not a joke so try not to laugh.




The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and

Stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt. When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the
people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker Emergency service


















----------------------
usborderpatrol.jpg

Well, Tim...I hope it was a joke, because it is a FELONY to impersonate a federal agent...and if people left because THEY thought you were a federal agent...that would be enough evidence that you could be prosecuted on...By them leaving YOU personally benefited from your impersonation, in that you were seen earlier than you would have been...

Be safe out there
 

irwin

Member
Well, Tim...I hope it was a joke, because it is a FELONY to impersonate a federal agent...and if people left because THEY thought you were a federal agent...that would be enough evidence that you could be prosecuted on...By them leaving YOU personally benefited from your impersonation, in that you were seen earlier than you would have been...

Be safe out there

huh? :hide:
 

irwin

Member
Well ...I smiled when I found it in my email, nothing against other cultures or even illegal aliens, but it did make me smile....:wink: ..and yes it was a joke.

Heck if I was born in a country that lacked opportunity, expect that I'd be trying to get in this great country also..I hope that I'd be doing it the legal way.:poke:
 
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' [FONT='Arial','sans-serif'][/FONT]

[FONT='Arial','sans-serif'][/FONT]

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.



On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll giv e you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'


And God agreed.



On the third day, God created the cow and said:[FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif'] [/FONT]

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and g ive milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. '

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.



On the fourth day, God created man and said:
[FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif'][/FONT]

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Cou l d you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.


Life has now been explained to you.
:pat:

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. :starbucks:


[FONT='Arial','sans-serif'][/FONT]
 
I think this is even funnier. :yum:



An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...




The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc?"







The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."


One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.



He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.





Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly." :yum: :yum:
 
Ok this one is because everyone in New England is gloating right now.



A man decided to write a book about Churches around the country.
He began by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.
He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.'

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign.
The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Rhode Island. Upon entering a church in Tiverton, Behold - he saw the usual golden telephone.

But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: .35 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute.
Your sign reads only .35 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in New England now, home of the Red Sox, the Patriots, Celtics, Bruins and Boston College, etc! "

You're in God's Country... It's a local call.
 
Texan visiting a Vermont farm after looking over the 100 or so acres...turns to the Vermont farmer and puffs out his chest and says...

"It takes three days to cross my Texas ranch on horseback"

Vermont farmer pauses a second and then responds...

"I used to have a horse like that, but I sold him..."
 
Choosing a Wife

Choosing A Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing
among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000
and
watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets
her
hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very
nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.




The man was
impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the
money
on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in
a
joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had d one with the
money he'd given her.




Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.





Men are like that,
you know







There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than
on

Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.


If you don't send this to five "OLD" friends right away there will be
five
fewer people laughing
 
There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning he told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.

She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he would "fart out his guts" one day. Each day, she told him this same thing.

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning, before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course, the turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up and replaced the covers and tiptoed down-stairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud butt-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said "Honey, you were right--all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always did tell me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But with God's help and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in!!"
 
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